A few weeks ago I found myself holding onto the edge of my seat. I was gripping so tightly, just waiting for a mental break, meltdown, or to lash out at someone. Basically I was about to explode. The best part of this was I knew I was about to explode, except I was doing everything but taking care of myself. I think we have all found ourselves here. In this deep intensity, being totally conscious of the misery that we are putting our selves through and yet chose to do nothing about it. And, of course, now that I am out of the eye of my own storm I have to sit back and laugh at myself and ask… why do I continuously put myself through torture? Why do I continuously decide to check my skills at the door and fall into my own wrath? And the answer is because it is necessary for be to come totally, completely undone in effort to find my way back home to my self. I am the only thing that is the way of the deepest connection to myself. And yet this storm, wrath, meltdown whatever you want to call it is the fruit of my connection to self. The difference here is that while having my mental break moment, I was totally aware, totally conscious and totally standing by to witness it all.
We generally find ourselves in these states and want to get out of them asap. I get it, having all your employees walk on eggshells around you isn’t particularly pleasant for the work environment, but this state is where the work is really happening. It is not happening in the before you realized you were in distress or after you got through. It is happening when you are in it.
One of my interns recently introduced me to the concept that when your soul exits your body, it is either rushing to next closest body or it’s wanting to run back into the body it came from. I find this to be an incredible metaphor for discomfort in what is happening between the ending of one thing and the beginning of another. We so desperately just want to get to the next thing so we can feel ok again, but truly we are getting in the way of the real work. The work the occurs after we end one period and begin another.
I often have lived my life just wanting to go from one thing to the next. Never soaking up the wisdom, the beauty that lies in the in-between. In this going from one thing to the next, I miss the real opportunity to engage and connect with the deepest parts of my being. The emotions, feelings, and distress that desperately wants me to connect with it. The vulnerability that wants me to acknowledge riding the wave of intensity. Not the part of me that wants to get through it or be over it.
In the last year The Bridge Center has evolved in amazing ways. Which by default means I have evolved in many ways. I have learned to engage with the process of the frustrations, of things not going my way, or my total meltdown. Because this is where I learn the most, I grow the most and become connected to the deepest part of my being. The is what makes me the most patient and truly enjoy my growing pains
As all of my blog posts do, consider this another invitation to you, TO FIND THE JOY INTHE PROCESS. The in-between presents you the deepest opportunity to support your essence. These moments often times become some of the most memorable times of our lives. While yes, they may beat us down, they take us to our limits, being conscious in them opens us to greater possibility and a more meaningful life. So stay out of your way. Do not beat yourself up for your struggle. Do not judge yourself for not getting through it quicker. Be with it. Get curious about it. Maybe even giggle about it. And show yourself that you will unconditionally love all versions of yourself. Even the version that feels like you are about to break down. Because all that means you are about to break though.